I texted my ex,

I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.

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me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it


[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate


Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.


Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.


I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.


[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??