I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
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Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
The prophecy is fulfilled
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.