I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
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I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!