i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
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Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Does it…does it take 3 days
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo