I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
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Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.