I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
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“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there