i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
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the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones