I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
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petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.