I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
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[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
2022: I can fix it
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
My life coach traded me.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.