I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
You Might Also Like
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!