I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
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Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath