I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
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*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it