I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
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What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming