Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
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Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Harsh but fair
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.