@LuvPug

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

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@doublewenis

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

@funnyordie

Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.

@panmidwest

IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me

@tigersgoroooar

Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.

@JimmerThatisAll

“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”

“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“What’s the problem?”

“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”

“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”

“Again.”

“Dammit.”

@_davidlucas_

*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?

@LuvPug

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

@GonzoVice

God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.