I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

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Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.


Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.


IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me


Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.


“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”

“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“What’s the problem?”

“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”

“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”




*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?


If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.


God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.