I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
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Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
The first one, obviously
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months