I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
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government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!