I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
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Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Pickled cat.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
They also CAN sing✌️
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
i will avenge u mr van gogh