I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
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Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
The three genders
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
finally found a reasonable question
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.