I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
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Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
who did the taste test?
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons