I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
You Might Also Like
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪