I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
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79.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine