@Prof_Hinkley Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
@Marlebean I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
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@Prof_Hinkley 
@SteveSuckington ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
@ozzie31220 I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
@primawesome Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
@redpawn3 I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
@TheAndrewNadeau WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
@joshcomers Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
@OnlyFastEddie I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
@stephenfry Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
@Zombieionism I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete