I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.

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The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.


I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.


I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards


Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.


[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]



Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is


I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.


Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.


°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped