I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
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Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?