I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
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This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe