I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
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The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!