I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
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Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
BRO LMFAO
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.