I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…

You Might Also Like


“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher


Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket



“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”

[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]


Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.


My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.


[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk


*driving home*

Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me: I spy something adopted.


Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.


Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?

Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit


My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter