I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
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I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*