I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
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“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Worth a try
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of