I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
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ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
A choir of Spring onions
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am