I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
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I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”