I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
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Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
October already? What’s next? November????
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot