I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
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My dryer is celebrating lint.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Had a spot of bother earlier.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.