I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
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Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.