I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
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Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Good boy 😂😂
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”