Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.

[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.

May have had one breakfast too many

Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?

Me: He has moved on to a better place.

Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!

Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.

Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”

[movie theater]

Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?

Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!

[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts

Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.

me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now

devil: done! wait, what the h-

me: no takebacksies

devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit

Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”

In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.

Pro tip:

Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap

sign of the times 🖊

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit

When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory

I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share

If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration

this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child

The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.

I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.

She’s still answering it.

soldier: is that a picture of your love?

me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.