I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
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Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
i hope my email finds you on fire
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
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Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.