I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
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Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
This is enough internet for the day.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice