I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
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Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.