“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
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me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
me working on my assignments ^-^
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.