I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
You Might Also Like
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
#Caturday
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
finally found a reasonable question