I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
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Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Who chose this font
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale