I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
You Might Also Like
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.