I think I’m gonna be sick
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Rather alarming headline…
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
My love language is deader than Latin
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first