I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
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[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards