I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
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If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
What even happened today?
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?