I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
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Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….