I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

You Might Also Like


“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”


“Oh you mean questions about the job!”


[first date]

HER: i’m really into guys-

ME (eager to impress her): me too


Mommy, what are these?

“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”

Oh, then you shouldn’t yell


[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP


How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.


men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again

women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,


[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?


Me: You ate radishes.

Friend: How can you tell?

Me: You’re burping them.

F: They were really good radishes.

Me: Not from where I’m standing.