I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
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*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house