“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
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HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.