I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
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Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
mom gave me mine for free
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.