King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
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Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Every time my phone rings