@CorkyCrashed

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

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@AbbieEvansXO

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

@BizarreLazar

Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.

@dorsalstream

casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet

@MohitSharmaSays

I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.

@bobvulfov

NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show

@sunyahu3

So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…

Did Mary have a little lamb?

@mstern68

[Creation]

God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!

Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?

G: *throws a rock*

A: Sick shot!

G: Next time, apes

@sahana_srini

I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway