I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 馃榾
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Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it鈥檚 unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it鈥檚 bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
HIM: I鈥檓 not crying, you鈥檙e crying
ME: we鈥檙e all crying, this is a funeral
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
(me to my doctor) if you don鈥檛 have anything nice to say you shouldn鈥檛 say anything at all
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I鈥檒l be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.