I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
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Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.