I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
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I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Do one person every day that scares you.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.